Thursday, October 14, 2010

Fall

October 2007. I remember thinking, darn it I am going to be pregnant during the summer and its so freakin hot!! (I had two older children so I knew what to expect). Now when fall rolls around, the warm weather and breezy days, the seasonal things I do remind me of that time. I still get sad. I still wonder too. I would melt through a hundred summers to have that baby back. I am sure time will help ease the memory. I actually pray it does. Dr's told me to wait. I didn't listen, was back in the hospital on Christmas morning getting blood drawn to check HCG levels. Spent all night New Years Eve calling to get the test results, positive.. negative..Celebrated Jan 2008 with the news we were expecting again. September 2008, James was born. His birth while completely amazing and fullfilling did nothing to diminish the sad feelings I have for my lost autumn baby. So many people had said it would. Why did I think his birth would fill the hole left in my heart? I reserve some time and space in October to remember the little one who it seems has been forgotten by everyone else. But not by me, not by your momma. I have 4 little birds but only 3 chirp at my feet, one chirps at the feet of the Lord.

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